Advice for Men on Tinder

… and Bumble, and Match, and Hinge, and Plenty of Fish, and eHarmony. You get the idea.

Disclaimer… this post is directed to my non-target audience. This one is for the boys. But I suspect this one will resonate with my ladies.

Let me start by saying I love men. A LOT. Post-divorce, as I have already blogged about, I took a chance and got on Tinder for a hot minute. It seemed like a good idea a the time. I had heard more and more that Tinder was no longer just a hook up app. It had morphed into a straight up dating app as more and more people look for a LTR (long term relationship) and try their luck on the apps. Talk about the wheel of misfortune,

Also, buckle up for some additional acronyms, readers; I’ll be sure to define them from my friends not in the know.

Make no mistake, there’s still a lot of people looking for anonymous hookups and FWB (friends with benefits). Many ENM (ethically non-monogamous) and even couples looking for some spice. But in my current demographic (50+), the amount of men looking for a partner for the long haul was definitively the norm. Or at least seemed to be.

Also, full disclosure, I met the love of my life on Tinder. Under the most unlikely circumstances; we both agree that neither of us expected the other and certainly did not expect to fall in love. I wrote about our meeting on the apps in a previous post. As we both moved on with our lives after our respective divorces, we laughingly agree that we both planned to date around and have some fun. Then we connected and those plans flew out the window. He was and is everything I ever wanted and needed. So what follows here is my experience on the app prior to forming this connection.

Now, men, because I love you all and really want for you to find your person, may I offer up some advice on how to attract a lady?

Many of your profiles say things like “is anyone real on here?” “I know your all going to swipe left.”

For starters, it’s “you’re.”

The grammar police gene goes HARD with me. Sorry not sorry.

Beyond that… maybe a little confidence? Some positivity? Tell us a little bit about yourself. The fact that you lead with what amounts to a “no” is not an auspicious beginning. For more on leading with a yes, see my other blog posts.

But beyond the basics of grammar, let’s just start with something easily fixed. Your photos. I have to wonder, time and time again, is this the BEST you could do? Literally, have any of you ever even used a camera before?

• All too often, your photos are blurry, pixelated and give us no idea AT ALL what you actually look like.

• If those photos are in focus, they are in a dark room. Nothing says “hey trust me, I’m a ‘nice guy’” quite like a pic that looks like it was taken in a basement dungeon. Do not get me started on the photos of men clearly laying in what I can only assume to be an unmade bed on what will surely be unwashed sheets that smell like something foul. No. Just, NO.

• Maybe start by running a comb through your hair and at least washing your face. If you have no hair, don’t hide the fact under a baseball cap. No women wants to be hat-fished. I myself greatly appreciate a man with a clean dome. A LOT. Many of my friends will surely agree.

• Please don’t make your only pic a caricature drawing of yourself. While you may think this is cute and fun, if that’s your only pic, there’s no way any of us are swiping right.

• That pic of you shirtless is questionable, made more cringey because of your dirty toilet is in the background. Or a bathroom vanity that looks like it’s not seen a Clorox wipe in years.

• We know you love to hunt/shoot/fish. However, do NOT post a pic of you holding a fish or a dead animal. Full stop. Do. Not. Do. It. Fun fact, we ladies make fun of this whole trend. We have begun to post pics of ourselves with bottles of wine like you guys post with fish. Google it, it’s hilarious.
• Speaking of cat/hat fishing, I know, I know. We ladies sometimes do the same. In our search for love, we use older photos; pics of when we were a bit skinnier. But I can proudly say I didn’t do that. One of my photos was a side view of me on a spin bike, clearly showing my booty and thick thighs. What I also did to was put up pics of myself that represent the real me. The me you might see if you met me at work. But also a couple pics of me all dressed up for an event. Nary a filter in site. So ditch the hat in at least one if your pics. We women like to know what we are buying.
• For the love of all that is holy… smile. It makes you more approachable and greatly increases your chances of a swipe. You boys are always telling us to smile. You should take your own advice.

For all of you disbelieving, men actually take pictures like this and post them, I can assure you I have proof of all these. For a time, one of my single besties and I competed to find the most ridiculous dating profile pics we could. I have a whole folder full of them on my Amazon cloud.

If you’re a short king, please try to disengage the chip from your shoulder. Not all women are looking for a man north of 6’. When I say we are looking for kindness, empathy, respect and someone that can carry a conversation, I am not lying. If that comes in a less tall model…yay! Take this from the woman with a raging lady boner for Jeremy Allen White who tops out at 5’6” of pure delicious. Indeed, Kevin Hart curls my toes and he and I are the same height. I could go on… James McAvoy, Robert Downey Jr., Sean Astin. ‘Nuff said.

You don’t need to include your credit score on your profile. And you definitely don’t need to include a pic of a handful of twenty dollar bills. I don’t know what that’s all about at all. For those of us making our own money (damn good money, I might add, even in light of the continued gender-based wage divide) and living independently in houses we bought on our own and have tended to by ourselves with no help from a man, this is insulting. My girl J Lo said it best; my love don’t cost a thing.

Kanye got you all assuming we are all out here gold digging and it’s the most ludicrous thing on the planet. More often than not, you boys have got no gold to dig. Let’s set the record straight, we ladies are making our own gold.

For those of you with profiles saying liberalism is a disease, understand that when conservatives overturned Roe, many non-affiliated women woke up and saw old white men trying to strip them (and their daughters) of bodily autonomy. So I can only say, good luck. Obviously I speak for myself here, but given the way legislation has been course-correcting in states like Ohio and Kansas, you may want to think about your target audience.

If you’re wearing a maga hat in your profile pic or even OWN a maga hat, chances are your matches are going to be rather thin. I cannot lie. Good luck out there, but the odds are NOT in your favor. Also, if you lie and say things like “I’m not political” or “I’m middle of the road,” know that the first time you open your mouth, we are going to know the truth. Women are so much smarter than you think.

We are all busy. Most of us Gen X women are sandwiched between aging parents and launching our young adult kids. We are working, making time for friends, living our lives. Nothing says “I’m an asshole” quite like leading with how important and busy you are in your profile. If you’re so busy, what makes us think you will make the time for a lady?

If you do find yourself matched up with a lady, please for the love of Dwayne The Rock Johnson, resist the urge to go right to sex in your first conversations. Do not ask for racy pics. A self-respecting woman will block you so fast your head will spin. You will then complain to the next woman you connect with that women keep “ghosting you.” Read the room, pal.

I should not have to say this, but do not be a creep. Be engaging, be fun, be nice. Do not be a douche. Just because you’re sitting behind a screen during those first conversations does not mean you should not act like you would if you were meeting in person.

If a woman matches with you, plan the fucking date. Don’t be lazy. We want more than the bare minimum. Many of us divorced the bare minimum and if we are being truthful, an evening home watching Poldark with a glass of wine is a way better time than an evening with a man who cannot plan a proper date. You do not need to be over the top and extravagant. Just plan a fucking date. Do not remind the woman during said date that because you bought her a beer and pizza that she somehow owes you anything other than a thank you.

Women in America have woken up. We no longer need men to support us. We have good jobs, make decent money and own our own homes. We don’t need to depend on a man for our livelihoods. We have left empty marriages and are pretty content and happy single. We do not need you. We don’t care about your self-perceived “loneliness epidemic.”

So that’s it, boys. I hope that helps! Kisses!