Remember the episode of Friends where Ross decides not to add Isabella Rossellini because she’s too “international?” Then he goes and laminates the list only to lament that decision when he actually meets her? Comedy gold, especially when he mocked Chandler for including Jessica Rabbit on his list. I will say, I have no cartoon characters on my hall pass list, but some of these men may have earned a spot because of the fictional characters they have played in film or TV.
I would never be so silly as to laminate my hall pass list, even though I do in fact own a laminator. Because of course I do. My hall pass list does tend to fluctuate a fair amount, so I maintain it in the Notes app on my phone. It’s a fun way to fantasize and fantasy is good. Even when you’re in love with a 6 foot tall blue-eyed bearded Viking who literally curls your toes.
To be fair, positions one and two have not changed in years. It should not come as a big shocker that the number one position is held firmly by my favorite bass-playing god, John Taylor. The number two spot is given rightfully to his bandmate, the Lord Byron of New Wave, Simon Le Bon himself. These men stole my heart years ago and I still swoon from the stands every single time I see them live.
Positions three through five have varied a bit over the years. Deep into my Doctor Who obsession (the reboot, mind you), David Tennant snagged a spot. Then he took a turn in the reboot of Fright Night and holy hell, the guyliner alone made me salivate. I do so love a man in guyliner. Well, except for our current moron vice president. He’s an asshole and that’s being nice.
A perennial favorite is Daniel Craig. I apparently have a think for British accents. I also have been a Bond fan from the days my mom and I would watch old James Bond movies on Sunday afternoons. For me, the best Bond was always Sean Connery. I liked Pierce Brosnan well enough and while this may be an unpopular opinion, Roger Moore never did it for me. Then Daniel Craig shows up with the Walther PPK and I damn near lost my mind. My skepticism of a blond-haired, blue-eyed Bond went out the window with the first scene of Casino Royale.
Norman Reedus has held a spot for a minute. He’s what can only be described as ugly-hot. He just looks DIRTY and that is appealing on the most base level ever. Of course, my adoration may have been colored by the great character arc he enjoyed on The Walking Dead. I also happen to love his relationship with the actress Diane Kruger, who is goddamn brilliant.
Now, most of the men on this list are age-appropriate with the exception of a goofy, curly haired tight end playing with my Buffalo Bills. We shall not discuss the fact that I am old enough to be his MOM. Dawson Knox is the spokesman for a local heating and cooling company and let me tell you, I was VERY put out when he did not show up at my door with the crew that installed my new furnace and air conditioner.
The most current addition to the list is Gavin Newsom. The governor of California has some BALLS and it’s simply amazing to watch this man stand up to the disgusting, fat, ignorant piece of garbage loser in the White House. The tweets, the AI memes, it’s all gold and I am here for it. I think I can speak for many of us smart liberal-leaning folks in America today; this man may very well be the salvation of the Democratic Party. I think what he’s doing is brilliant. Bring more of that shit on and in the meantime, I’m gonna watch him and sigh.
Think about your hall pass list. Don’t ever think is has to stay the same. Above all, don’t laminate the fucking thing! You’re allowed to change your mind. If you asked me 5 years ago what my “type” was, I can tell you with utter certainty that it is not the same as it is today. Fantasy is good, so keep on resisting, sisters!
Resist Invisible 